I just finished another meeting with a client here at the radio station, and I realized it’s been a long time since I’ve blogged on a personal level. Truth be told I’ve been meaning to do this for a while. Several “incomplete”postings have been written, most of which I abandoned for the same reason: they were just too damn depressing.
So, let’s get it all out and be done with it.
It’s been over 5 months since an 8 year working relationship was severed. In that time, I’ve tried my best to remain positive. Through the endless phone sessions negotiating my release, to bills rolling in, lawyers and most importantly, convincing my 84 year old grandmother (whom I’ve been raised under as ‘son’) that it’s all gonna be okay, it was a cavalcade of emotions.
I felt like a failure.
I tried to be a company guy – often going above and beyond in the hopes that maybe I could catch a break and be let into the “circle”. I chose to believe what I was told – “Work hard and it will pay off”. What wasn’t mentioned was how sometimes, hard work just doesn’t cut it. Still, I held my head up and carried on.
One of the most difficult things to get over is the loss of whom I considered to be friends. It’s amazing to see how many people you instantly become “the enemy” to, just because you don’t work under the same roof anymore. Even more difficult, was watching someone I once looked up to showing his cards and being reduced to telling half-truths in the hopes he keeps the "bosses" happy. I can’t say I wouldn’t do the same if that much money and a job title were on the line, but then again, I’ve made some notoriously strange decisions and still managed to keep my head above water, or as people seem to be saying, “land on my feet”.
I have found solace in the fact that despite losing those I worked with and confided in as companions, even more friends came out of the woodwork to support me. New friends crop up in the strangest of places, and ultimately, I realized that I simply wasn’t as alone as I felt.
Being far enough removed from it all, I’m in a much better place these days. To those who saw our employment together as the only reason to want to speak to each other, I miss you. To those I inadvertently pissed off through rounds of "tactless passion", I apologize. To those who didn't like me, I'm okay with that too.
Was I the perfect employee? Clearly not. Did everybody like me? Definitely not. Does it matter? Yes, but only when used as a way to learn and grow. Today, as I sit in an office of my own, facing similar decisions bosses I’ve had face, I use past examples as my own personal “Do” and “Don’t” list.
In short, I’ve grown up again, and it's amazing.
Today, I'm in a much happier environment. It's amazing to be around people who want to do more than just "get by", and have something as special as a FIRST radio station to be a part of. My health is (minus this little chest cold I'm dealing with) much better, I don't dread going into work, and I have some very exciting things starting up in my life which we'll talk about later on. The best part is, even in my darkest hours, I discovered how people can be both rotten and wonderful to one another.
In the words of a good (yet hilariously angry) friend of mine, I aspire to simply rise above and “Be better”.